Not an Automaton
by Jullieanne
Summary: Jesse has everything, but nothing at all. Even after making it big in Broadway and winning multiple Tony Awards, Jesse can't forget about the one that got away. One-shot for Bandtogetherandfight's St. Berry Change the World Contest.


**Title:**Not an Automaton

**Author: **Jullieanne

**Contest:**Bandtogetherandfight's St. Berry Change the World

**Words:**1,179

**Rating:**K+

**Summary: **Jesse has everything, but nothing at all. Even after making it big in Broadway and winning multiple Tony Awards, Jesse can't forget about the one that got away. For Bandtogetherandfight's St. Berry Change the World Contest.

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><p>"I love you."<p>

Such heartfelt and simple words used even by the greatest of poets, felt so wrong, so cheap coming from the girl's crimson lips.

"I love you too."

His response was immediate, robotic, stiff. But how could he respond otherwise? Love...it had been far too long since he had remembered the emotion. The bitter aftertaste scorched in his heart, a flame that never seemed to quell. An automaton, he was called. He did his work efficiently, his acting was good enough to win him multiple Tony Awards, and had the devilishly good looks of a theatre man. It wasn't done on purpose. When she left, he stole any and every emotion he was capable of having except for one: regret.

It had been exactly three years and fourty-two days since Jesse St. James's heart had been carelessly crushed to smithereens by Rachel Barbara Berry.

_If I could reach the stars I'd pull one down for you_

_Shine it on my heart so you could see the truth_

_That this love I have inside is everything it seems_

_But for now I find it's only in my dreams_

He still loved her. That much he was sure of.

As he held the girl in his arms, he imagined the blonde being brown, the perfect, plastic nose being the nose that Rachel had been so insecure of, the short pixie cut being medium length...

"You still love her," the girl whispered, placing her head on the crook of his neck.

Jesse didn't reply.

"I don't know why I try so hard. I just...love you too damn much to give you up," she continued.

It didn't matter. She couldn't fill the hole Rachel had left behind.

"Let me go," he whispered, slowly releasing himself from the grip the blonde had on him.

"Never," she replied, putting her arms back around him, holding him in a death grip that would have been painful had Jesse not endured a worser pain...

He did not reply. It would not make a difference. Whether he stayed with the woman in his arms or not, Rachel would not love him back.

He scoffed. Perhaps in his dreams.

_That I can change the world_

_I would be the sunlight in your universe_

_You will think my love was really something good_

_Baby if I could change the world_

Imagine Jesse St. James's surprise when he found himself hearing the voice of one Rachel Berry.

Jesse was visiting his parents back in Lima, Ohio.

Reminiscing over the times with Rachel, visiting the music store where they had first met was inevitable.

"Welcome," the cashier said, not even looking over the cash register.

"I told you, I said I wanted all the composition books with songs by _Lionel__Richie_removed, not _Lady__Gaga_. Where in the world would you get Lady Gaga from Lionel Richie!" shrieked an all too recognizable voice from the back storage room.

Jesse froze in place. No. It couldn't be. It was understandable that she was in Lima: it was winter break for most college students. She was probably visiting her dads, maybe a few friends from McKinley, or perhaps...Finn.

"I'm sorry m'am, but I believe that employees don't take direct orders from their customers," replied a lower, more baritone voice.

Jesse let out a sigh of relief. At least she wasn't with Finn.

"No. What you don't understand is that this _place_, holds far too many memories than I can handle! May I mention that I'm the _only_ customer!"

He wished he could show himself, tell the employee Rachel was a force that couldn't be stopped. If only he could without avoiding a confrontation. If only they were still together, he could change her world; show her how much he could love her, even more so than the artificial love of the repulsive Finn Hudson.

Almost as quickly as he entered the shop, Jesse exited it.

_Not __yet_. He wasn't ready to see her. _Not __yet._

_If I could be king even for a day_

_I'd take you as my queen I'd have it no other way_

_And our love will rule in this kingdom we have made_

_Till then I'd be a fool wishin' for the day_

No matter how much money Jesse made, no matter how successful he was, no matter how many times he was dubbed "King of Broadway," he wasn't happy. Not without Rachel.

The countless lovers he had in his arms, the multiple one-night stands... They weren't Rachel. If he was the King of Broadway, the only queen he'd take would be Rachel.

But she wasn't a choice.

Maybe someday he'd gather enough courage, stop avoiding her like a fool would, and talk to her. Perhaps even make up. Start a new relationship.

But for now, he would continue being the fool.

_That I can change the world_

_I would be the sunlight in your universe_

_You will think my love was really something good_

_Baby if I could change the world_

He gathered enough courage on a Sunday evening.

It had been a year since he avoided a confrontation with her in the music store. _Their_ music store.

He knew she dropped out of college. She attended Julliard, but dropped out in a leap of faith to audition for a role in Broadway.

_Spring __Awakening_, it was called. She tried out for Wendla, and she did get the part despite her lack of experience compared to others who had auditioned.

It didn't surprise Jesse when he was offered the male lead. Life had a funny way of torturing people in its own twisted, sick way.

"Jesse. Tell me why I'm here," she sighed plopping down onto a chair.

Jesse stood awkwardly until deciding it was rude, and sat down onto the chair opposite of her.

"I'm here to say I'm sorry."

"You apologized years ago, Jesse. And I forgave you for it. Albeit I was being a bit lenient on you, but I forgave you all the same," she responded promptly.

"I know that. I just...Goddammit. It's just that everywhere I go, I think of you. I think of how if you just gave me a chance, I could've been the one to brighten your day, to make you smile, to make you believe that someone could love you despite all of your quirks that made you...you!" he gushed out.

"You would have done that?"

_That I can change the world_

_I would be the sunlight in your universe_

_You will think my love was really something good_

_Baby if I could change the world_

It took less than one year for young, naive Rachel Berry to fall in love with the arrogant Jesse St. James of Vocal Adrenaline.

Less than a year for him to break her heart.

One year for him to return, only for his to be broken by her.

Three years for him to almost meet her by chance.

One year for them too meet again.

"I love you."

And for once, he wasn't an automaton.

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><p>That's it.<p>

My first St. Berry story...God, I really love that couple.

Too bad the scriptwriters and Ryan Murphy are hell-bent on Finchel.

Sigh.


End file.
